You looked a lot better from far away.

the other day i realized something.
i don't really know how to put it exactly, but basically,

i'm sheltered.
just watch:

1.) i've never taken more than 5 drugs.
2.) i've never been in a real fight.
3.) i've never witnessed true sexism.
4.) i've never witnessed poverty.
5.) i've only been well off financially.
and most importantly:
6.) i've never had anyone close to me die.

my grandmother died last spring break.
wow. so she survived the Holocaust. that's cool? i hardly knew the woman. she only lived all the way across the Atlantic Ocean.
my grandfather on my mom's side died like two years ago or something.
i don't even remember when. and i didn't know him.
all of my grandparents are dead. did i really know any of them? no.
do i miss any of them? no.
this sounds bad, but do i honestly care? absolutely not.

and that's it.
no friends.
no family members actually close to me.
not even a friend of a friend that i know well.

a couple of weeks ago i was in a ginourmous game of fugitive one friday night.
it was great. :D
and i was with a group that was in a car.
and we drove through the cemetery.
C and A rolled down their windows and just started pointing out all these graves of people they all knew.
.....
what?
i've only been IN a cemetery like 4 times in my life. not even.
and...what?
that was the first time i really realized that i don't know anybody dead.
that was the first time i actually felt kind of left out of a conversation about dead people.



and then March 13th, 2008.
i know A had a friend that died that day. don't know how. don't need to know how.
i just know that somebody close died.
the funeral was march 17th, or st. patrick's day.

and, okay. that's great?
sucks for her. it's not like i killed him, right?

but that's not even the point.
like, no. i'm not sad about it. i didn't know the kid. i'm not sorry for her either.
i sound like a horrible person but it's just how i work. sorry.
and that isn't even the point.
i'm just...sheltered.
i've never known anybody that's died.
it's not like i'm wanting one of my friends to die now or anything.
but..i don't even know.

it's weird.